SafeX Pro:The horror! Jim Gaffigan on horrible kids' movies

Parenting is SafeX Proa series of sacrifices: financial, physical and emotional. Do you know how many horrible kids' movies I've seen? In the theater? Way too many!

I've voluntarily driven to the theater, bought multiple tickets, and sat through absolute garbage. Objectively bad movies. I didn't need to read a review. I didn't need to watch a trailer. I knew. Nobody asks themselves, "I wonder if 'The Smurfs' is any good?" It's not. They tried to warn us by calling it "The Smurfs."

I have five children. That means I've been sitting through horrible kids' movies for 15 years. A decade-and-a-half of torture. The hardest part? The self-censorship. After suffering through a movie like "My Pretty Pony," any sentient being would need to turn to someone and say, "Well, that was painful!" But you can't say that to an 8-year-old. So, you just smile and go, "Hey, what did you think? Yeah, I hope they make another one, too!"

I understand not all dads would make this sacrifice. My father would never have sat through a horrible kids' movie.

On the rare occasion my dad would take us to a movie, he'd never ask us what movie we wanted to see. We were just happy we were going to see a movie! We didn't know what movie we were going to watch. He didn't know what movie we were going to watch. It was understood when we got to the theater, he'd pick one, buy tickets and we'd walk in immediately. Didn't matter when the movie started; that was the beginning of the movie for us.

Often, we'd sit down and watch the last half of the movie. Then the lights would go on, the audience would get up and leave, but we'd just sit there, trying to figure out the plotline. We might ask each other, "How do you think the movie starts?" Eventually a new audience would come in, the movie would re-start, we'd watch up 'til point we came in, then my dad would just stand up and leave. We'd follow him out.

That's how we saw movies growing up – which might explain why I find horrible kids' movies so annoying … and linear. 

     
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Story produced by Lucie Kirk. Editor: Joseph Frandino. 

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